The End

So, this weekend marks the true end of an era for me.  I've spent the past week packing up every little thing, scrubbing baseboards and floors and corners, cancelling utilities and other services.  I've been in contact with my renters, a cute little couple who is extremely excited about the house, and who are even having it professionally decorated, and whom I know will enjoy it very much and take care of it.

I've already gotten quite a few friends back over in my hometown, where I will be living for awhile.  I've got quite the commute to deal with, but I will be armed with lots of audio books, my awesome XM, and my phone to call friends who are also commuting.  We are quite comfortable in our home, we fit everything quite nicely, the girls are comfortable, I'm happy and excited.

The girls are set up with their new schools, they already have friends there; an established life already. A good one. One where mommy isn't stressed, because for the first time - EVER really - I will have HELP with them.  And I won't feel overwhelmed or in a tizzy.

I've let go of the life I had before, of who was in my life.  It's taken more therapy, but I finally just realize once and for all, that I cannot force anyone to be something they are not.  Just because I have in the past forced the ex to take his time with the girls, or just because I have followed closely to the visitation schedule that is now court ordered, I still do not expect him to be a very interactive, supportive, over the top father. It's just not who he is, and I've come to truly accept that, and I believe my daughters have too.  I've come to accept the fact that I cannot rely on him at all to respond to any of my inquiries about anything regarding my daughters, or to have an adult conversation with him, or to pay a dime towards child support.  So I no longer do. I no longer rely on him AT ALL.  I leave HIM in MY past, where he belongs.  I will not and do not carry him to any new situations, new relationships, new thoughts. 

That is why, this is "The End" of this blog.   Our new life together will be just that, just the three of us girls.  I still wish to commemorate each day of their lives; how they are in school, their growth spurts, their cute sayings, our fun times together, etc.  However, I feel that as my girls grow older and even a little bit more private, I should take it out of the "public arena."  Therefore, I will be starting a new blog, a new chapter, a new experience, leaving this one completely behind.  I will make it available to family and friends, and even some strangers that have followed my story, if they so wish. I just ask that you introduce yourself, and give me an email address so that you may be invited to read my blog.

It should be up sometime next week, so if you're interested in following our new journey, please email me - Lianaml at hotmail dot com

Moving on!!!!!!! I am optomistic and hopeful and excited and happy! It's gonna be a good life!

Weekend Recap - "empty" edition.

Many people have noticed that I haven't posted in over a week.  No real reason really, I just find that when I don't have my girls with me full time, I feel just sort of like my life is empty.  I know, that's silly. I do so many fun things like hang out with friends, date, read books, see movies, catch up on TV, try new things, etc.  It is a lot of fun, I won't lie.  I've also been super busy getting the house packed up and cleaned; movers came this weekend and got out all the furniture.  I've been more in contact with my neighbors and found that they are absolutely awesome.  I've been busy with work, and I'm going to start training for my 5k. But, what I realize more and more, is that while all of this IS fun, what I really REALLY want to be doing right now is spending my time with my girls. They are ages 2 and 6.  These ages go by so so quickly, and I hate to miss anything.  What's especially hard, is the fact that the girls call me daily here lately, begging to come home. Fifteen days is a long time to be away from me, despite the fact that they are with their father.  It's really hard to have to explain to Kbear that she'll be home soon and to enjoy her time with her daddy; that he and I both love her so much that we have to share lots of time, because we BOTH want her.  I know they miss me, and the truth is, well, I just feel so EMPTY without them. :( I can only imagine how they must feel - especially Aboo, who just cannot understand all of this.

I was able to pick them both up on Friday though and spend a few hours with them.  I got to the ex's house, picked up the girls, and took them to dinner.  Kbear wanted Chinese (of course), but I don't know that area of town really well. Luckily, I have this really cool app on my phone called Around Me - it pulls up all the restaraunts nearby and then gives me exact directions on how to get there.  I noticed that my very favorite place, Pei Wei, was right there!  So that's where we went, and OMG - the girls, just like their momma, LOVED IT! 

Yes, that is her LICKING HER BOWL CLEAN.

After that fantastic meal, we noticed that there was a little yogurt place right next door; Tutti Frutti.  I had never been there, but I know that these types of places are popping up left and right, so we went to check it out. Oh my goodness!!! It's SO COOL. You have like 20  flavors to choose from and it's all self serve, so you just fill up your bowl with whatever you want, then there is like a whole BUFFET of toppings - from fresh fruit, to sprinkles to candy....  we got our bowls and toppings and then sat down and had a very pleasant time. I got to hear about their trip to Utah, and the quilts they got and how they play school with the babysitter...  it was just so great to spend the time with them.

It was a fantastic and perfect "date" until I said it was about time to head back to daddy's house. Kbear got very whiny and mopey and Aboo flat out burst into tears.  It was HORRIBLE.  I would go have a date with them again and again if I could, but leaving them all over again just breaks my heart into pieces, as well as my daughters' obviously.  Kbear I can try and talk to about it, but Aboo doesn't understand, and that's what is so hard.

But it is what it is and there are just four more days until the summer visitation is over, then they go back to just weekends, and I think that's much more "doable."  We'll make it.

In the meantime, I had movers come and get all the furniture out of my house.  It was a big job, but luckily I had sold a couch and a table and had plenty of money to afford the move.  Now, my house is empty. It's sort of a wierd feeling. It really is.   Not a bad wierd feeling, but wierd nontheless.  Like, FINALLY, I'm moving on.  While they were taking furniture, one of the movers asked where my husband was. I said -well, we're divorced.  He looked a little taken aback and said, I'm sorry, how long has it been?  Just over three months, I replied.  Wow, he said, you look...happy.  Like, genuinely happy, not like someone who has just gone through a divorce.

It's true.  Life is hard, I'm finding out that the real world is a very scary and disappointing place.  I'm finding out that you can't really trust ANYONE except for yourself.  I'm finding out that you just never know what is going to happen.  But, despite all of it?  I AM happy.  It's a choice that I have to make daily...but I do just that.  I wake up every day and decide, today I AM happy. Maybe a little "empty", maybe a tad bit worried and/or scared, but for the most part - HAPPY:

Weekend Recap - Getting Through it Edition

So, the week of dance camp came to a close. Now granted, it was a teeny tiny, itty bitty, small performance, but it meant the WORLD to one little girl.  So much the world that they actually held up the "performance" until her daddy was there, because this little girl would not have danced without her daddy there to see her.  He was right on time, but I guess she was worried that he would not be. Anyways, I'm sorry - but this week at camp? SO TOTALLY WORTH IT.  Just LOOK at my beautiful, graceful, gorgeous, perfect daughter! :)

Right after the performance, my girls embarked on their journey.  I was prepared.  The girls were packed up and ready, goodie bags for the car were made, and I sent them on their way.  I'm not going to lie, I was SO NERVOUS for them to be driving straight through with no stops, but I know why it had to be done.  Luckily, the ex kept me pretty well updated. They made it safe and sound, and I understand from my sister in law that they were amazing and wonderful and good and excited, so I"m very happy. I'm very happy that they have had this time with their father, and his side of their family.  Now they are embarking home and they are still in my thoughts and prayers, but I'm at peace.

Of course, good friends and family are what got me through!  After a wonderful day with my sister and parents - having a nice lunch, getting spoiled with a nap and with pedicures, I got to my home with the intention of just packing and working and keeping busy, but I was essentially "kidnapped" and forced to go out and have a good time. And, I did just that - had a FANTASTIC time.  A little TOO fantastic....I was not feeling well the next morning, but hey - that was just another distraction. :)

The rest of the weekend consisted of True Blood (hello, obsession), and packing. My sister and brother in law came in and unloaded me of a TON of baby stuff in preparation for my niece coming soon...and he helped me with a lot of the electrical stuff...taking everything down and apart and stuff for me.  My neighbor came by to check on me and help me out with things (God bless her!) and I've been getting lots of "attention."  

Things work out. They work out just fine - I just have to be trusting of it. I'm working on obtaining that trust - within myself.  It's a daily process, but one that is becoming easier and easier.

180

You know, I am who I am.  I fully admit that a lot of the time I'm ...neurotic.  I get in a "mood" and it spirals out of control and before I know it OMG hell breaks loose and the world is gonna end and everybody "JUMP SHIP, JUMP SHIP NOW!"  I can take one little thing and turn it and twist it until it becomes this horrible, awful, annoying thing.  I've always been like that - pretty much as long as I can remember. It's kind of escalated when I became involved with the ex...because the way he is did not mesh well with who I am and well...wow.  But the beauty of it is - he is now over THERE and I am over HERE and we will stay in our respective corners forever. He can't change me, I can't change him and well..it is what it is.  Luckily...people love me for me. Quirks and all.  I'm cute.  I'm sweet. I'm funny.  I'm FUN.  And, sometimes, I'm a little bat crap crazy. At least I can admit it, right? :)

Last night he called the girls and I overheard Kbear on the phone with him, and well....they love each other. Right now he's superdad and she's over the moon about him (and Aboo just follows suit with whatever her sissy does) and she loves her new step sisters and step mother and I feel like that is a safe situation.  If they make the trip to Utah, so be it. The only thing I can do is pray that they are safe.  And comfortable. And thank GOD that it's not me that has to be in that car. ;) This is me...letting go.  I have to sometimes physically force myself to get through it, but like I said. I'm reasonable.  I can do it...I just need to have my processes and time to adjust and then well, I'm golden. 

There is a scene in the movie "The Notebook" where Noah tells his love, Allie, the following:  "Well that's what we do, we fight... You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you're back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing."  That's me!!  I have that rebound rate as well. My feelings get hurt, then I'm over it and then I'm back to doing something else that will irk you.  It just takes a real man to be able to handle me.  I will find one someday!  In the meantime, I still have a lot of people that handle me just fine...because once again, I'm cute, and fun, and funny and well, just me. :) Pure awesome right here. lol.

So yesterday I snapped out of it, dusted myself off, and did a little retail therapy.  School starts in about five weeks - believe me, Kbear has it on a COUNTDOWN, and so since I had been given some "Kohl's cash" from Stacey (thank you girl!) and my mom had a 30% off coupon, well....the time was NOW!  Kbear got a few new outfits and shoes, which she promptly had to go and put on a fashion show the minute we got home:

Aboo got a new pair of pajamas and a new dress...and let me tell you. That girl KNOWS WHAT SHE WANTS.  There is no picking things out for her. OH no.  It's this one and THAT'S IT.  Sorry for this pic, but she's also got to go go go GO - "fine MOM, I'll ham it up for a picture but you gotta be QUICK" and man, I'm not quick:

I also got me some new running shoes, because - um why not start training for that 5k in 110 degree, 110% humidity type weather?  What could go wrong there?

Tomorrow is the dance camp recital to which the ex and his family are coming to as well, and then I will send them off with goodies and kisses and prayers and let them go for two whole weeks.  And yes, I will be spending that time alone cleaning and fixing up and moving completely out of my house...but I've also got me some other super secret plans, much needed ones, and I'll be JUST FINE. So will they. 

Motherhood

Kbear continues with her scrapbooking.  Each night she patiently waits for after dinner/bath so that we can sit down and she can work on it. Yesterday Aboo was very tired and very snuggly and wouldn't get off of my lap.  I knew she would be asleep soon, so I told Kbear to go ahead and pick out her paper, and decide what she wanted to scrap, and start working on it.  "You don't need ME ... I'll look at it afterwards and see what you've done, but it's your creation and there is no wrong way to do it."  That's how I wish to parent.  I hope to be able to give my children the opportunities to do things, but then to LET THEM DO IT.  I'm not a "hover mother."  I would like for my girls to do things themselves, and if they need help with something technical I will do it, but I will not infringe on their creativity.

That being said, I AM a "cautious mother."  If my children are scheduled to go on a field trip, you can bet I'm going to know each and every detail of how they are getting there, where, and if it's something I can't be go to with them... well I'll make darn sure that someone will keep me updated periodically throughout.  Last year Kbear went to the circus with her daycare.  Now, it was a 45 minute drive by bus, into the heart of the city. I was nervous.  Perhaps irrationally so, but you know what? My children's safety is what matters most to me.  I was sent pictures by the teachers and other friends that were able to go on an hourly basis, and felt safe and secure with her going on that trip.  I will always be this way. If my kiddos want to go over to a friend's house? Well, I'm going to get to know that friend AND their parents before they do.  They want to date a boy? Hmm, well ok, but I guarantee that I might do a background check and be a little nosy when it comes to that boy, and I will find out where they are going and where they will be - even if I have to act like a little private investigator at times. :)  I do this because I love them and I want to keep them as safe as possible as much as I can.  It might be annoying to them, but that's ok.  Eventually they will appreciate it.  I'm not saying I'm not going to allow them to live their lives and do fun things.  But, up until the point that they are 18 years old...you can bet I'm going to be all up in their business.  For their safety. And my sanity. Also, if they allow that to extend further than 18, well ok on that too! I will always be involved in my girls' lives - wanted or not.  I am their mother, I signed up for this, it is my right.

Throughout this entire divorce, my main focus has been those girls.  Kbear struggles daily with divorce.  As much as I try to talk to her about it without "over" talking to her about it, as much as I try to act excited and encourage her stories of her daddy and her new stepmom and stepsisters, as much as I try to introduce her to other children going through the same thing...she struggles.  She constantly tells me that she wishes there were no such thing as divorce, she constantly tries to get me together with her daddy, she constantly makes up stories that lead to reconciliation.  My heart hurts for her and I want so much for her to get through this with minimal issues.  I know that a lot of that includes having an amicable relationship not only with her dad, but with his new family, and with my entire ex-inlaws.  And, I try. I try really really hard to do that. I try really hard to please everyone. I constantly update this blog, knowing that they read it and enjoy the pictures (which is why it's always so picture-heavy).  I always in the past acted as the glue that kept everyone together and constantly sent pictures and updates on facebook - where I was "friends" with grandparents, aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters, sisters of sisters...many that I had never met or never knew, but whom I kept in constant contact with, and reached out to.  I started very strong relationships with my sisters in law, which I still believe are strong - and I love them so very much.  I consider them my own sisters.  I really really try to talk to my daughters about that side of the family and show them pictures, even after the divorce occurred.  Family IS important to me.

HOWEVER.  When a situation came up in which I was given a week's notice to drop everything and turn over my girls to take a cross country trip, I had a slight issue.  I fully understand that it's the girls' great grandmother's 80'th birthday.  I know that that is important...to my ex.  My girls are young - I agree that it would be neat for them to meet her and see that side of the family, but it's honestly not something that they WANT to do.  Aboo is 2, she doensn't "get it", but Kbear? Well, as much as she wants to see them, she's not excited about a twenty-four hour trip, overnight.  As much as I've tried to pump it up, and get her excited about it, she's just not. I can't blame her. I'm not either.  The thought of driving twenty-four straight hours in a bit of a rush to make it on time for a party is pretty impossible..and very ambitious, and not really in the best interest of our daughters because to me it just seems ... dangerous.  I know what people are thinking - that it's because I had plans for the girls already.  It's true. I had carefully planned and selected activities based upon the ALREADY AGREED UPON summer visitation schedule.  Things are bought and paid for, but that is not the issue. Kbear was 100% excited about this dance camp, and she already had to have her vacation bible school cut short, and she really does not want to miss her "performance"...ESPECIALLY to drive for such a long time.  Also, I'll be honest - I'm not too keen on just being asked to drop everything.  However, I considered it. I considered it heavily, weighed all the options, and did my best to remain civil and friendly and accomodating, etc.  It's just that when I asked for certain details - because I am their MOTHER and I'm entitled to know these things, and I'm entitled to feel safe and secure about things regarding my children - I did not get details that made me feel better.  First of all, it's no secret that getting any information or updates on my children when they are with their father is like pulling teeth. In fact, I only have his current wife to thank for anything I do get. He has made no effort in the past to do anything to my liking - in fact he's made it quite apparent that he really has no regard for me whatsover.   Regardless, I keep trying, hoping that eventually he'll just realize that it's so simple to work with me, if he's fair and considerate and all of that in return.  However, he is not.  It's purely that that I base my decisions on.

Now I've been told - that's just who he is.  That's "him," that's what everyone expects of him, nobody holds it against him.  That's fine, I realize who he is too and I know I can't change him and I expect it now, and work around it and I don't hold it against him.  But again, here is where you gotta give where you take.  Those same people need to realize that I also am who I am, this is what should be expected of me and don't hold it against me.  I'm a force to be reckoned with, but I can be totally reasonable, it is my nature to accommodate, and please people, etc.   But, I'm an advocate FOR my girls, and they come first and foremost, before anyone else on this world, including me.  I'm cautious, and for good reason.  I'm fair - just give me ample time and the respect as a VIP in their lives - to make informed and the best decisions for them, while they are not old enough to make their own. 

As I've always stated, it is my wish and desire to work together with my ex in a friendly and civil way - to get along and dicuss their best interest as a team. A team has two players in it, not just one.  I can't be the only one willing to be like this and have it work.   My solution is for him to go up early without the girls, enjoy an easier trip and time with his family, while there - PLAN something for Thanksgiving, which is when he has them again for an extended period of time - and then come home and have the girls for the full two weeks - which I will accommodate.  That's not an easy solution for me because now I have to find a sitter, or take some unexpected time off from work as my own parents are on vacation that week, and somehow still manage to get my house packed up so I can move.  But like I said -it's give and take. 

Creativity

So, Dance Camp started this week.  I'm so pleased that Kbear gets this opportunity...both of my girls love to dance and sing and are very creative souls.  So this is a fabulous time for her, and she's loving it:

More on that later...the recital is on Friday.

Last night, I got home from my long day at work and even longer commute, to find Kbear in the pool.  Aboo was eating tomatoes while my dad cooked dinner, but wanted to go swimming. So, we changed, and ran to jump in the pool for an hour! Fantastic!  Afterwards, we had a nice dinner, baths, and then got to explore more of our creative side! Kbear has been begging me to teach her to scrapbook.  I was pleased - I LOVE to scrapbook, just have never had the time to do it!  If this is something we can do together, well SCORE!

Also..give Aboo some scissors and paper and glue and she's happy HAPPY.  I'm so thrilled to have creative girls!

Weekend Recap - packing edition

Well, the title pretty much sums it up.  Friday evening after work I drove to my house and my parents and kiddos met me there. We had a quick dinner at the local little Mexican place, got home and then dove right in. I pretty much got the entire kitchen packed up and cleaned Friday night...that was a big enough job. I have TONS of stuff in that kitchen!  (Which is wierd...I can't really cook)  (That is on my "list" of things to do/learn though!).  Saturday morning we woke up, my awesome dad cleaned up my yard (no way in HECK I would have ever understood that weed eater), changed out some light bulbs for me and kept the girls occupied while my mom and me packed up some more and cleaned.

I must say - packing isn't exactly fun. BUT, I've been wanting to do this for YEARS.  Right after Aboo was born, the ex and I went house hunting.  I'm not entirely sure WHY, but I wanted to move so badly.  We were looking in the same neighborhood and at homes very similar to what we had, but we were bound and determined to find something else.  I'm not sure why he wanted to - he pretty much just went along with a lot of my ideas - but I think the main reason I wanted to was because I felt so overwhelmed and overcome with THINGS and I just wanted a good cleaning/purging.  Well, now that's exactly what I'm doing.  With the way I've been packing - I'm so ORGANIZED!

They girls were excited to get "packed up" as well...for shipment to China! ;)

I got a really great deal on a storage room - and it also came with a free truck rental.  I'm this close to having the lease all worked out, and it's just enough to cover mortgage, storage and property management.  We moved a LOT to my parent's house, and I really worried that nothing would fit there, but surprisingly, it's all coming together quite nicely.  I hate to be TOO optomistic, but it really seems as everything is coming together.

The only thing I have to REALLY come to terms with is the fact that there is no real PLAN here.  Maybe the house will lease forever, maybe one day it will sell, maybe one day I have to move back in.  I have no idea what the future holds, but actually...it's kind of exciting that way. I thought I would be panicked, stressed, depressed, etc. about it...but rather I'm excited, hopeful, worry-free.

My girls were such troopers. They are excited for our next journey, and were very helpful.  They taped, wrote on the boxes and moved things around...but for the most part they were very patient and pleasant and kept the fighting to a minimum. ;)  As a reward, we took the girls to Chuck E. Cheese for a little evening of fun - just for an hour or so.  Kbear and Aboo both used their own money from their piggy banks for their own tokens. 

Her beloved horse was BROKEN! But it didn't stop her from sitting on it.  Luckily she found the carousel and rode that 100 times!

Flying HIGH!

And this horse!

NO MORE PICTURES!

After an hour and a half of "fun" we went to their favorite restaraunt - Chinese of course!

Wishes!